This is the end. This is the
beginning.
I have changed. Maybe it’s
not abundantly apparent, but I can feel it in my chest as I go about my day. I
feel older and more realistic. I lack trust in others. I notice different
details in my surroundings, little things that are beautiful in their
simplicity. And finally, I would not say that I am broken, but I think that I
have lost my general positivity about the world.
I’m an idealist at heart.
I look at all the good in a person and tend to ignore the bad; embellishing
their strengths perhaps a wee bit further than reality. I do this with all the
world. And when it finally sinks in that someone or something isn’t living up
to my expectations, it is quite literally devastating.
I’m having a hard time
coming to terms with this new earth I’m seeing; this earth outside of my
village. Of course, nothing is really new at all, but for me it is. I’ve started
to allow all the pain to rush in and it hurts.
Our world is not
inherently bad but neither is it good. It is everything all at once. To love it
is to accept all of it. To hate it is to fall into darkness.
One might think my
feelings are a product of my two years in the Peace Corps but I think it’s much
more than that. If anything, my service is keeping that spark of joy burning,
somewhere deep down.
Idealism is a powerful
trait as a teacher and mentor. When my students see that I truly believe in
them, they work harder and treat each other better. They feel encouraged and
cared about. Naturally, some fall short, but I’m able to give them unlimited
chances because I love them and have undying faith in their potential as young
humans. I feel my influence. I feel my worth.
I live with the animals
and the stars and the wind and am reminded daily of what beauty we have
swirling all around us. It resonates peace. I will never lose this as long as
I’m living because it is life itself. This gets me by, moment to moment, when I
feel overwhelmed.
I feel legitimate fear
about disconnecting from this little world where I have a purpose and the
capability to brighten someone’s day. I fear leaving my friends who have
supported me every step of this journey. I fear saying goodbye to my students
who have become my own children; my pride and joy. I fear being swallowed up by
the pain of the world.
Yet, I also feel that my
life is calling out to me and that there is a path to follow. I can see a life
filled with love and a career where I can continue to give to and nurture
others.
Living abroad gives you a
new perspective of what you came from and where you want to go. I feel
gratitude like I never have before. I also feel loss at all the things I cannot
change. It simultaneously causes joy and pain, but they say you can’t feel one
without the other anyways. We should all seek to live every version of life
that we can.
